Break my heart

Last night while reading Frozen (the book version) to Patrick in bed, he asked about Elsa and Anna's parents and what happened to them. I told him they had died and went to heaven. I asked him if that was sad and he said yes. He paused to consider it further and I said, "you would be sad if the moms died, wouldn't you." And he responded, "yeah. And who would take me to school and take care of us?" And I told him he wouldn't be alone and that his auntie Michelle would come and stay with them and his moms would always be in his heart. He seemed pleased with this answer and I continued in the book only to be interrupted by him saying, "if I died, the moms would be so sad and I would be all alone." I was instantly overtaken by tears and emotions and promptly told him, "you would not be alone, God would find you and Uncle Brian and Grandpa Roger and Uncle Mike, you'd never be alone".
My 34 year old brain and heart knows that both those scenarios are plausible, I pray and hope and pray that they never come true, but I was overcome with emotion for a few minutes (and again now as I type this) as I considered briefly these losses. Patrick seemed content and let it go, for which I'm glad. I continue to think of it throughout my day today. These conversations are hard, is it ok to discuss this stuff with a 4 year old? Does he understand it enough? Am I scarring or scaring him? I hope I'm doing the right thing.
I am continuously amazed that Patrick's mind, thoughts and heart. I pray I get to witness him grow into a lovely man.

Mortality

It's that time of year again, the first three months are usually the harder of the 12 for me.  I'll simply say my brother died January 10th, 1994, my dad March 9, 1996.  I remember them this time of year more than any other time.  I know I've written of them and won't go into the details or my emotions again.  The emotions that are muted now, less real and even forgotten at times.  But I always remember, I always think of Brian and my dad.  They are here in my heart and my mind, no matter the time that passes. 
But more recently, I've been bogged down by thoughts of my own mortality.  My father was almost 44 years old when he died.  That's not that far off for me now.  I imagine my 43rd year of life will be a hard one.  I worry about dying.  Leaving these kids and Joc behind with only the memories of me to sustain them.  In my line of work, I've seen tragedy and those stories that make you thankful for the days you have on this earth but selfishly, I pray to God I will get more than 15 years with my kids, I pray I'll get to see them grow up and become the persons of quality I know they are capable of becoming.  Please.  Let me live a longer life than my father before me.  Please. 
Think of Brian and Roger Gable in these months, think of their souls and pray they are with God and at peace.  Pray they can see what we've become and that we miss them. 

Obsessed

Netflix, damn you!  You are the bane of my vacation, the time sucker of my life!  Ugh.  I knew it was a bad idea to enter into this one month "free" trial. Grrr.
It all started when I scrolled through the "Shows you might like" part and watched the 1st episode to a show and then I was like, "sure, why not another" and before I knew it, I was hooked!  The instant gratification of Netflix and 3 full seasons of a show with 23 episodes each at 45 minutes in length.. you do the math.  This need to watch drove me crazy but I knew I just needed to push through and finish it. Then I realized, the show isn't even over.  There's a 4th season on TV now, oh blessed be!  Can I get no reprieve?  Now I have to pretend to wait patiently for this show to play on live TV (of all things!!) instead of being able to click and watch instantly.  It reminds me of Harry Potter and when I started reading that obsessively up to book 5, then I had to wait with the rest of the world for each subsequent book to be published.   It's just rude, that's what that is.
The only positives coming from this craziness are the songs I'm hearing, I've found about 10 new artists that I don't think I would have found if I hadn't heard them in this show.
What show you are asking, it's borderline embarrassing really, it's what my mother would call juvenile and the acting is generally mediocre at best.  It's a RomCom and I'm a bit of a sucker for a good love triangle... Hart of Dixie.  There I'm out, I've come clean!  Now you know, I'm obsessed with this show, it's kooky characters and knowing how it will all end.

A new era

Maybe era is the wrong word but whatever, it gets my point across. I have taken a leap of faith, an unsure and mostly unsteady step into an unknown world this week. I have accepted a new job, a tenure track faculty job at the community college here in Grand Rapids. I start August 19th. I am excited, scared, nauseous, anxious and unsure. I am ready for something new, heck I've been talking about a new job for years now so it's really about time I got serious. I'm sad to leave my comfortable world that I've known for over a decade. I'm scared to know basically no one and start at zero, novice teacher. But I'm ready.
If you ever want to feel better about yourself, announce you are leaving. The kindness people have been showing me is humbling. Their words make me cry, realizing what I already know, people really like me! It's silly really, and makes the change that much harder.
I cannot thank my coworkers and family enough for everything they've offered me over the years. You've made me a better person, a better nurse and a better teacher. I will miss it all.

My dad

I look at Ceci and see my dad, a lot.  She has the round face, the features that remind me of the man that used to be alive.  Her hair even has a big of a red hue that I recall my dad having.
It's that time of year, the time that brings me down.  Is it the weather?  The perpetual grayness?  Is it the knowledge that we lost Brian in January and Dad in March? Does that make my start of every year a little more grey and sad?  Is it my crazy life?  The wishes I have daily to be with my family more, instead I work because there are bills to pay and let's be honest, I would make a horrible stay at home mom.  Is it my discontent in my career?  
My dad.
I miss him.  I wish he'd gotten to meet these little people in our lives.  I wish I'd gotten to see him as a grandpa.  I wish I could hear him laugh one more time.  Wishes are wasted time though.  Instead I share Grandpa Roger with them.  It's simple and it's hard to remember it all, but it's all I can do to keep him alive to me.
I did some counting.  Brian died in 1994.  My dad in 1996.  That is a long time ago.  Where would we be?  If they had lived?  Who would we be?  Do you ever think about what might have become of you if you chose another route?  Had you gone to a different school, if you'd missed one train or one airplane?  If someone didn't die or didn't leave your life?  Do you ever think about that?

A lot of open ended thoughts here...