I'm sitting in the airport in Chicago, waiting on my connecting flight home to grand rapids. It's been a long day of travel home from Nashville, where I was doing a two day training for work. It was good training but the trip was quick and I miss my family.
At the Nashville airport I was sitting there with my coworker I traveled with and news was on. As the reporter went into this Chic-fil-a (or however you spell that) drama and I watched almost all the people around me gazing up and listening as various people say why or why not they are spending their money at this establishment.
I'm just reminded again of the sadness that my sexuality gets to be so openly discussed and judged by strangers. I felt nervous, as my coworker knows I am gay with a wife and son, and I hate when I'm put in that sort of position. I felt irritated that the news was even reporting on it. And I searched stranger's faces for the judgement I fear they hold without even knowing me.
Why is it okay for people to declare that gay people, or as they love to refer to us, "homosexuals", are aberrant, immoral, among other hurtful words. We are people. Each and every one of us. People with families that love us, or sadly in many cases, hate us. We are not a biblical verse or a despicable human beings. We're walking in front of you and beside you. I'm sitting right next to you, I'm on my phone calling my wife too. I don't feel the need to declare how I disagree with your lifestyle to anyone who will listen. I don't feel the need to post hateful comments on a public forum about your love, that maybe I don't understand but I don't have to because I'm not in the relationship.
I digress. I'm tired.
Saturday, August 4, 2012
Monday, July 2, 2012
An update on life
Summer is definitely here around these parts. It's been hot! Patrick has a little plastic pool that we pull out most weekends we are at home and after a few hours in the sun, it's warm. On his own time, he likes to crawl in and out of the pool and then over to the sandbox we made for him and gets all sandy. He prefers to toss the sand out of the sandbox and move the toys around... he hasn't quite realized he should be scoping and buiding with the sand. Ah well, that will come.
Patrick continues to get more and more personable. He understands when things are said to him, little things. Like, "where's cooper?" he looks around or goes crawling off laughing to find and womp cooper. Poor dog looks at us daily with the face, "when is this kid leaving? Cuz he keeps pulling my fur, wacking me on the back and touching my feet!" But she is a good dog and puts up with mischief. If she's not in the mood, she takes herself out of the situation. Many evenings, I'll go upstairs after Patch has gone to bed and there's Cooper, laying on his bedroom floor. She loves him, I know it.
We are finishing half our basement this summer with the help of Joc's dad, Mike. He's a contractor and has all these tools and machines and the experience to help us with less cost than hiring someone. Because of that, it will take a couple months to be finished but it's farther than it was last year when it was only a dream. We are planning an additional bedroom with a double bed, and a family room/TV room area. That will free up our current study for when/if we have more kids and need the rooms upstairs (we'd move our room to the study). We've picked most of the materials out and Mike will be here in a couple weekends to put in some egress windows. It's exciting!
As usual, I'm unhappy in my job. It waxes and wanes but lately I've been irritable and tired. I just feel tired. It's a thankless job really, middle management. I'm in flux though. Simulation is my favorite part of the job, but it's not as important to the people in the higher ivory towers as I think it is. Being a simulation coordinator is a full time job in itself and I've been doing it with my other duties. I'm exhausted, mentally. I'm hoping the next week off will help clear my head. I have something on the horizon. I'm not sure what to make of it. For now, I need to apply for it and see what happens. I have a lot of guilt. There is a lot I would leave behind, I'd leave my coworkers in a lurch and there's a lot of time I've invested. But how do you say, "no, I can't do this because I'm considering leaving my position and I don't want to leave you hanging when I'm gone." Ba. It's hard. It's all very hard to swallow.
Patrick continues to get more and more personable. He understands when things are said to him, little things. Like, "where's cooper?" he looks around or goes crawling off laughing to find and womp cooper. Poor dog looks at us daily with the face, "when is this kid leaving? Cuz he keeps pulling my fur, wacking me on the back and touching my feet!" But she is a good dog and puts up with mischief. If she's not in the mood, she takes herself out of the situation. Many evenings, I'll go upstairs after Patch has gone to bed and there's Cooper, laying on his bedroom floor. She loves him, I know it.
We are finishing half our basement this summer with the help of Joc's dad, Mike. He's a contractor and has all these tools and machines and the experience to help us with less cost than hiring someone. Because of that, it will take a couple months to be finished but it's farther than it was last year when it was only a dream. We are planning an additional bedroom with a double bed, and a family room/TV room area. That will free up our current study for when/if we have more kids and need the rooms upstairs (we'd move our room to the study). We've picked most of the materials out and Mike will be here in a couple weekends to put in some egress windows. It's exciting!
As usual, I'm unhappy in my job. It waxes and wanes but lately I've been irritable and tired. I just feel tired. It's a thankless job really, middle management. I'm in flux though. Simulation is my favorite part of the job, but it's not as important to the people in the higher ivory towers as I think it is. Being a simulation coordinator is a full time job in itself and I've been doing it with my other duties. I'm exhausted, mentally. I'm hoping the next week off will help clear my head. I have something on the horizon. I'm not sure what to make of it. For now, I need to apply for it and see what happens. I have a lot of guilt. There is a lot I would leave behind, I'd leave my coworkers in a lurch and there's a lot of time I've invested. But how do you say, "no, I can't do this because I'm considering leaving my position and I don't want to leave you hanging when I'm gone." Ba. It's hard. It's all very hard to swallow.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Taking Chance
Spent about an hour and a half this morning, while Patrick napped, to watch a movie on HBO called Taking Chance. One word: amazing, another: heart wrenching. It's a simple story of a soldier who died in 2004 in Iraq and the journey his body takes on his way home to Wyoming. It's told from the perspective of the marine who escorts the body. Oh man. It was excellent. I think we so easily take for granted, me included, those who fight and die for us. This made me stop and put a story to a name. He was 19. Highly recommend, and bring tissues.
Friday, May 18, 2012
A letter to my father
Dear Dad,
You've been dead for many years. Do you know? What's it like in heaven, away from all those you loved? What's it like to be ripped out of your life and asked to go to heaven? Were you scared when you laid down on the floor in the kitchen, did you know you were breathing your last breaths?
I miss you, it feels like more now than ever before. I think it's Patrick, he's here and he's so special to me and I reflect on you and us kids. I think how much love you must have had in your heart for all of us. I know now how much a heart can be filled with love for a child, my flesh and blood. I wonder what it would be like to lose Patrick as you lost your son.
I've seen you in Patrick lately, he has your round face, the eyes and maybe some red in his hair. I think of you almost every time I look at him, I think of how you would have enjoyed your grand kids. Grandpa Roger.
I wish I could talk to you once more, tell you all this and more. I wish you could see us all grown and living. Alive, all of us so alive.
It's been almost 16 years since you died. That feels like a lifetime. My throat still closes and tears stream down my cheeks when I recall memories. Some have faded. But I want you to know you are not forgotten and you are still loved by your girls.
I'll see you in heaven, someday. You're waiting, I know. It may be a long wait, I'm hoping you don't have a good sense of time there. Maybe you can check in with us occasionally and see what we're doing. Who knows, who really knows what is the afterlife.
These all feel like juvenile requests, things I longed for when you first died. Feelings that repeat for every major and minor life event. The grief is changed now, it's not raw, I don't look for you to walk into a room, don't visit the bakery and hope you're by the oven checking the bread. I know you're gone, that is very clear. I just wish I could know if you're around still.
I tell Patrick who you are, tell him stories of growing up making donuts and working in the bakery. I will tell him who you were and what you meant to me, that is a promise.
Love, your daughter.
You've been dead for many years. Do you know? What's it like in heaven, away from all those you loved? What's it like to be ripped out of your life and asked to go to heaven? Were you scared when you laid down on the floor in the kitchen, did you know you were breathing your last breaths?
I miss you, it feels like more now than ever before. I think it's Patrick, he's here and he's so special to me and I reflect on you and us kids. I think how much love you must have had in your heart for all of us. I know now how much a heart can be filled with love for a child, my flesh and blood. I wonder what it would be like to lose Patrick as you lost your son.
I've seen you in Patrick lately, he has your round face, the eyes and maybe some red in his hair. I think of you almost every time I look at him, I think of how you would have enjoyed your grand kids. Grandpa Roger.
I wish I could talk to you once more, tell you all this and more. I wish you could see us all grown and living. Alive, all of us so alive.
It's been almost 16 years since you died. That feels like a lifetime. My throat still closes and tears stream down my cheeks when I recall memories. Some have faded. But I want you to know you are not forgotten and you are still loved by your girls.
I'll see you in heaven, someday. You're waiting, I know. It may be a long wait, I'm hoping you don't have a good sense of time there. Maybe you can check in with us occasionally and see what we're doing. Who knows, who really knows what is the afterlife.
These all feel like juvenile requests, things I longed for when you first died. Feelings that repeat for every major and minor life event. The grief is changed now, it's not raw, I don't look for you to walk into a room, don't visit the bakery and hope you're by the oven checking the bread. I know you're gone, that is very clear. I just wish I could know if you're around still.
I tell Patrick who you are, tell him stories of growing up making donuts and working in the bakery. I will tell him who you were and what you meant to me, that is a promise.
Love, your daughter.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Gay Marriage
I have to get this off my chest. No apologies. I know who loves and supports us.
I'm pretty irritated.... angry.... upset.... misrepresented.... I'm not sure the exact word I want to use here. Last night joc and I watched the local news on President Obama's coming out for gay marriage. I shut off the TV in frustration when it was over. What gives all these people, these idiots, these ignorant ass holes, the right to give their opinion on my relationship? Do I walk into their living rooms and talk about how I don't think ugly people should be able to get married? Do I comment on their relationships? I mean really, what gives anyone the right?
I think I'm pissed. That's really what I am. I'm sick of people's opinion related to my relationship. The only people who should share their opinion on my relationship are me and Jocelyn. That's it. No debate. No discussion. Us. Not you, definitely not a mid-aged politician who is out of touch with the younger generation.
I just can't see why this is tolerated by so many.
And this politician who says that the state of Michigan "spoke loud and clear in 2004" on the issue of marriage. Firstly, 2004, are you f-ing kidding me?! Does he realize it's 2012 now? Secondly, how about the fact that the ballot was, I believe (and I'm only working from memory here), something like 48% for gay marriage and 52% against... that's hardly "loud and clear" to me.... that sounds pretty closely divided.... and again, it's 2012 now, how about we put it back on the ballot and see how it does? And thirdly, the country is pretty much evenly split on this stupid issue. 50 50, I just read this in the GRPress.... No one is speaking "loud and clear".
Finally. I have been married to my wife since 2007. That's right, we have a license. Some of you were there. What, pray tell, has my marriage done to you in these 5 years? Have you been unable to sleep at night? Or been unable to file your taxes jointly? Or maybe you haven't been able to live your damn life... I'm so sorry.
Whether these idiots ever evolve is up to them. I think growing and changing based on your surroundings is part of adulthood. Actually, it might be more of a childhood thing. There is no excuse for ignorance, nor for hate.
I hope this entry helps me let this anger go. I pray that I can find hope in this situation. I do pray that this isn't an issue someday, that Patrick won't have to even think about why some people feel the need to share their opinion about his mom's relationship. I'm not sure what will happen.
Open your minds. See beyond your fear of this thing you find so foreign but feels so normal to us... Look outside your comfort and open your heart....
That's all I have.
I'm pretty irritated.... angry.... upset.... misrepresented.... I'm not sure the exact word I want to use here. Last night joc and I watched the local news on President Obama's coming out for gay marriage. I shut off the TV in frustration when it was over. What gives all these people, these idiots, these ignorant ass holes, the right to give their opinion on my relationship? Do I walk into their living rooms and talk about how I don't think ugly people should be able to get married? Do I comment on their relationships? I mean really, what gives anyone the right?
I think I'm pissed. That's really what I am. I'm sick of people's opinion related to my relationship. The only people who should share their opinion on my relationship are me and Jocelyn. That's it. No debate. No discussion. Us. Not you, definitely not a mid-aged politician who is out of touch with the younger generation.
I just can't see why this is tolerated by so many.
And this politician who says that the state of Michigan "spoke loud and clear in 2004" on the issue of marriage. Firstly, 2004, are you f-ing kidding me?! Does he realize it's 2012 now? Secondly, how about the fact that the ballot was, I believe (and I'm only working from memory here), something like 48% for gay marriage and 52% against... that's hardly "loud and clear" to me.... that sounds pretty closely divided.... and again, it's 2012 now, how about we put it back on the ballot and see how it does? And thirdly, the country is pretty much evenly split on this stupid issue. 50 50, I just read this in the GRPress.... No one is speaking "loud and clear".
Finally. I have been married to my wife since 2007. That's right, we have a license. Some of you were there. What, pray tell, has my marriage done to you in these 5 years? Have you been unable to sleep at night? Or been unable to file your taxes jointly? Or maybe you haven't been able to live your damn life... I'm so sorry.
Whether these idiots ever evolve is up to them. I think growing and changing based on your surroundings is part of adulthood. Actually, it might be more of a childhood thing. There is no excuse for ignorance, nor for hate.
I hope this entry helps me let this anger go. I pray that I can find hope in this situation. I do pray that this isn't an issue someday, that Patrick won't have to even think about why some people feel the need to share their opinion about his mom's relationship. I'm not sure what will happen.
Open your minds. See beyond your fear of this thing you find so foreign but feels so normal to us... Look outside your comfort and open your heart....
That's all I have.
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