Monday, April 8, 2013


The last couple days I feel a bit more on the verge of emotion... it's hard to explain the feeling of irrational emotions.  I wax from anger and frustration to irritation to happiness to sadness and even fear. It's really quite annoying for me, but knowing it will improve is usually what helps settle my mind.
Some of my recent examples:
I went shopping at a local shop for new nursing bras, I've been wearing my old ones from nrusing Patrick and they desperately needed replacemnt.  The shop I purchased them last time no longer sells bras so I went to a differnt, recommended shop.  The women were just trying to hlep me but when the gal asked me my size before having Cecilia and then recommended a size medium, I laughed out loud.  Please.  I've never been a medium in my life, I told her.  Then I said, my cup size is no longer a C.  My milk is in, I'm engorged.  Can you measure me?  Sure, we can measure you but why don't you go try a medium on and we'll go from there.  Here's when my boiling point was reached.  I'm wearing this exact bra and it's an XL and the cups are barely holding me right now.  The same bra?  Yes.  I'll take your medium but I'll also take the XL so I don't have to make two trips.  I was so irritated.  Ended up buying the XL bras.. and they never measured me.  A second lady even told me (after I asked her to measure me) that "we've been doing this a long time, I can tell you are maybe a D".  I tried an E cup on (equivalent to DDD) and filled that out just fine.  I left happy I'd gotten new bras but irritated in general.  I asked Joc if she could tell I was pissed, she said yes in that "I was afraid you were going to bit the woman's head off if she told you you were a medium again" kind of way.  No one lost their head that day, thank goodness.

We've been taking Patrick to daycare since we're still paying the weekly cost to hold his spot, he loves his friends and teachers at daycare, and it's good to keep his routine that he knows.  I've struggled with this mentally as I wish he could be home with us and Cecilia but I also know that we'd be even more exhausted if he were here to take care of.  Not to mention, Cecilia can't even appreciate him yet, so it really is better if he's at daycare getting that stimuation and not throwing tantrums at home.  I have been feeling a lot of guilt over this but he doesn't go in unitl about 9 (7:30 was his old time for drop off when we were working) and we pick him up by 4.  With the weather getting nicer (hopefully) we will have more outdoor time with him.  He's going to be fine, and probalby won't remember this at all.

There have been a few recent stories posted on facebook about kids who have died.  These are really hard on me.  Maybe because my brother died young or my dad or because of my hormones but I look at these two beautiful babies given to us and I think about them dying.  It scares me to think of that loss.  I pray that God wouldn't do that to us, that I've expereinced enough loss in my life that He wouldn't do it but I also know Brian died when he was 15 and my dad two years later...  it's possible God would do it.  I rationalize with myself and I truly cherish every moment we have with them.  I pray we're some of the lucky ones who see their children grow up and succeed and have families and carreers of their own.  I don't dwell on it, I think I'm just a little more acutely aware of the possibility of tragedy and loss you could say and I'm realistic that life isn't fair and bad things happen to good people...

Just gonna have to wait out these hormones as they stabilize and my emotions do as well.  For now, forgive me if I'm irrational to you, I don't mean it....