Thursday, August 27, 2015

Break my heart

Last night while reading Frozen (the book version) to Patrick in bed, he asked about Elsa and Anna's parents and what happened to them. I told him they had died and went to heaven. I asked him if that was sad and he said yes. He paused to consider it further and I said, "you would be sad if the moms died, wouldn't you." And he responded, "yeah. And who would take me to school and take care of us?" And I told him he wouldn't be alone and that his auntie Michelle would come and stay with them and his moms would always be in his heart. He seemed pleased with this answer and I continued in the book only to be interrupted by him saying, "if I died, the moms would be so sad and I would be all alone." I was instantly overtaken by tears and emotions and promptly told him, "you would not be alone, God would find you and Uncle Brian and Grandpa Roger and Uncle Mike, you'd never be alone".
My 34 year old brain and heart knows that both those scenarios are plausible, I pray and hope and pray that they never come true, but I was overcome with emotion for a few minutes (and again now as I type this) as I considered briefly these losses. Patrick seemed content and let it go, for which I'm glad. I continue to think of it throughout my day today. These conversations are hard, is it ok to discuss this stuff with a 4 year old? Does he understand it enough? Am I scarring or scaring him? I hope I'm doing the right thing.
I am continuously amazed that Patrick's mind, thoughts and heart. I pray I get to witness him grow into a lovely man.

Wednesday, January 7, 2015


It's that time of year again, the first three months are usually the harder of the 12 for me.  I'll simply say my brother died January 10th, 1994, my dad March 9, 1996.  I remember them this time of year more than any other time.  I know I've written of them and won't go into the details or my emotions again.  The emotions that are muted now, less real and even forgotten at times.  But I always remember, I always think of Brian and my dad.  They are here in my heart and my mind, no matter the time that passes. 
But more recently, I've been bogged down by thoughts of my own mortality.  My father was almost 44 years old when he died.  That's not that far off for me now.  I imagine my 43rd year of life will be a hard one.  I worry about dying.  Leaving these kids and Joc behind with only the memories of me to sustain them.  In my line of work, I've seen tragedy and those stories that make you thankful for the days you have on this earth but selfishly, I pray to God I will get more than 15 years with my kids, I pray I'll get to see them grow up and become the persons of quality I know they are capable of becoming.  Please.  Let me live a longer life than my father before me.  Please. 
Think of Brian and Roger Gable in these months, think of their souls and pray they are with God and at peace.  Pray they can see what we've become and that we miss them.