Friday, May 18, 2012

A letter to my father

Dear Dad,
You've been dead for many years. Do you know? What's it like in heaven, away from all those you loved? What's it like to be ripped out of your life and asked to go to heaven? Were you scared when you laid down on the floor in the kitchen, did you know you were breathing your last breaths?
I miss you, it feels like more now than ever before. I think it's Patrick, he's here and he's so special to me and I reflect on you and us kids. I think how much love you must have had in your heart for all of us. I know now how much a heart can be filled with love for a child, my flesh and blood. I wonder what it would be like to lose Patrick as you lost your son.
I've seen you in Patrick lately, he has your round face, the eyes and maybe some red in his hair. I think of you almost every time I look at him, I think of how you would have enjoyed your grand kids. Grandpa Roger.
I wish I could talk to you once more, tell you all this and more. I wish you could see us all grown and living. Alive, all of us so alive.
It's been almost 16 years since you died. That feels like a lifetime. My throat still closes and tears stream down my cheeks when I recall memories. Some have faded. But I want you to know you are not forgotten and you are still loved by your girls.
I'll see you in heaven, someday. You're waiting, I know. It may be a long wait, I'm hoping you don't have a good sense of time there. Maybe you can check in with us occasionally and see what we're doing. Who knows, who really knows what is the afterlife.
These all feel like juvenile requests, things I longed for when you first died. Feelings that repeat for every major and minor life event. The grief is changed now, it's not raw, I don't look for you to walk into a room, don't visit the bakery and hope you're by the oven checking the bread. I know you're gone, that is very clear. I just wish I could know if you're around still.
I tell Patrick who you are, tell him stories of growing up making donuts and working in the bakery. I will tell him who you were and what you meant to me, that is a promise.
Love, your daughter.

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Gay Marriage

I have to get this off my chest.  No apologies.  I know who loves and supports us.

I'm pretty irritated.... angry.... upset.... misrepresented.... I'm not sure the exact word I want to use here.  Last night joc and I watched the local news on President Obama's coming out for gay marriage.  I shut off the TV in frustration when it was over.  What gives all these people, these idiots, these ignorant ass holes, the right to give their opinion on my relationship?  Do I walk into their living rooms and talk about how I don't think ugly people should be able to get married?  Do I comment on their relationships?  I mean really, what gives anyone the right?
I think I'm pissed.  That's really what I am.  I'm sick of people's opinion related to my relationship.  The only people who should share their opinion on my relationship are me and Jocelyn.  That's it.  No debate.  No discussion.  Us.  Not you, definitely not a mid-aged politician who is out of touch with the younger generation.
I just can't see why this is tolerated by so many.
And this politician who says that the state of Michigan "spoke loud and clear in 2004" on the issue of marriage.  Firstly, 2004, are you f-ing kidding me?!  Does he realize it's 2012 now?  Secondly, how about the fact that the ballot was, I believe (and I'm only working from memory here), something like 48% for gay marriage and 52% against... that's hardly "loud and clear" to me.... that sounds pretty closely divided.... and again, it's 2012 now, how about we put it back on the ballot and see how it does?  And thirdly, the country is pretty much evenly split on this stupid issue.  50 50, I just read this in the GRPress.... No one is speaking "loud and clear".
Finally.  I have been married to my wife since 2007.  That's right, we have a license.  Some of you were there.  What, pray tell, has my marriage done to you in these 5 years?  Have you been unable to sleep at night?  Or been unable to file your taxes jointly?  Or maybe you haven't been able to live your damn life... I'm so sorry.
Whether these idiots ever evolve is up to them.  I think growing and changing based on your surroundings is part of adulthood.  Actually, it might be more of a childhood thing.  There is no excuse for ignorance, nor for hate.

I hope this entry helps me let this anger go.  I pray that I can find hope in this situation.  I do pray that this isn't an issue someday, that Patrick won't have to even think about why some people feel the need to share their opinion about his mom's relationship.  I'm not sure what will happen.

Open your minds.  See beyond your fear of this thing you find so foreign but feels so normal to us... Look outside your comfort and open your heart....

That's all I have.