Tuesday, April 27, 2010

What doesn't kill us...

Well, I can say beyond a shadow of a doubt that I won't be hired at a specific nursing school that I really wanted to be hired at. I should have listened to my gut, once again, and not even applied. I spent a small part of this morning sitting down for what I thought was an interview for a job but what this person, let's call her Bob for faster typing purposes, thought was a consultation. Bob took the 30 minutes we sat together to explain why she wouldn't hire me, why most nursing schools wouldn't hire me. In Bob's words, "No one hires Master's prepared graduates without teaching experience into a Baccalaureate program". I won't go into too many details, just believe me when I say Bob was unprofessional in her interviewing and the majority of the time I wanted to reach across the desk and punch her in the face then gather my stuff and say, "I can see this was a huge waste of my time." Instead, I sat there and listened to her tell me what wasn't good about my CV and why she wouldn't hire me. So I sat down in my car afterward and cried out of anger, frustration, fear and loathing. I got home and emailed my professor who has been telling us that we are "experts" in nursing education, that we know more about nursing education than some of the professors teaching today. I'm waiting to hear back from her, hoping she'll tell me it was a fluke of an interview and to learn from it and move forward.
Here's hoping.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Countdown to a fresh start

I've officially started my "lasts" of grad school...
-last project (check)
-last paper (check)
-last discussion posting (check)
-last course evaluations (check)
-last quiz, this week
-last journal, due Monday

It's a little overwhelming and a little sad really. I have been looking forward to May 7th since January and now that it's only a little less than 3 weeks away I feel nauseous... I've applied to two schools, "spoke" via email with one director who is not quite ready to start looking at fall semester adjunct facutly yet but "will keep my CV close". (Good? Bad? who knows?) and I am meeting with the other director in a week, even though I was told "we have no posted positions..." what does that mean? Sigh. Can I just say "I really want a job, can you help me with that?" Do I have to go through all the emotions of sending my information, waiting, calling to inquire, setting up an interview, interviewing and then waiting to hear... I'd take summer classes to get out of that! (c: Well, maybe not but it's a thought!
So, my last weeks of grad school trickle by and life returns to "normal", actually I don't know what normal is anymore. So, let's say it starts fresh... hopefully it's a good fresh...

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

One song

Do you know how one song can stop you in your tracks, pull you backwards in time to a place only you remember? I have many of those songs, for many different situations. I probably have this because I let music define my life, I have a mini-soundtrack, produced by yours truly, that is constantly playing in my mind. Ask a co-worker and they'll tell you I'm constantly singing or someone will say something and I'll bust into song. I've been told it's pretty entertaining.
Today, while finishing up a paper, I decided to throw on my Sarah McLachlan mix in iTunes. Now, if my friend Sara were still reading my blog she'd immediately ask me "what's wrong?" because I used to put Sarah (McLachlan... I'm on a first name basis with many of the artists on my playlists) on when I was having a bad day, needed a good cry, felt like dwelling, was sad, depressed, yadda yadda, you get it. It's different for me these days, as I've written before, my life is no longer that dark place it used to be but like everyone, I have bad days. Today, though mostly a good day, has had some ups and downs. I started by watching a "Biggest Loser" episode and that's probably where I took a hard turn. There is a father-daughter pair on the show and there was a moment in the show where they had a heart to heart and blah blah blah, there was crying and hugging and "I love yous" and I was crying too (because who can watch that show without tearing up, some of their stories are heart-wrenching). It just was another slap in the face to a glaringly absent space in my life. It's hard to see fathers and daughters share that bond some days because it's something I will never have the chance to have, ever again. It made me think of my dad, a lot and made me miss him. So, I suppose putting Sarah on today wasn't too different from when I was younger.
When my family got home from the hospital (after my dad died) I sat in my room and put Sarah's "Angel" on repeat and cried. When Sara's (Beeler-Lothschutz) dad died in college and I got back to the dorms from her house, I put Sarah (McLachlan- keep up man!) in the CD player and sat in the lounge and cried. That day I mostly cried for myself, remembering what it was like loosing dad, learning to live without him in our everydays. I remember opening the fridge not long after the funeral and seeing the cheese we had bought for him in the door and crying. I remember putting his clothes in a garage sale and one man coming by and buying it all. I remember the little card I kept in my back pocket of my softball pants with a note from him, until I washed it (that was a bad day too). I remember a little about him. Red hair, big guy, big feet, hearty laugh, a scar on his middle finger, palm side of his left hand (in fact when I look at my hands I see his sometimes). Varicose veins (thank you very much!), bald spot, warm armpits (long story...), baker. Bits and pieces remain.
I made my mom a scrapbook awhile back about our family. Later, she posted a note she'd written us after he died that says (basically) that he wouldn't have wanted us to remember him lying on the kitchen floor, his heart would want us to remember him healthy and happy, his heart that wanted to see us grow up and get married and have kids, his heart that loved us so. I still can't read that without crying.
Some days you just need a good cry, a "beautiful release, memories seep from my veins..." Sarah says it so well. This is grief folks, never ending, perpetual and so damn sad. It sucks.
My boss's husband died last week, Joc and I went to the viewing and the moment I walked into the funeral home I wanted to leave. Seriously, how can one smell bring you to a place so vividly? Sort of like a good song.
I feel better now. Back to that paper and living life, that's one thing that is never changing. Life sure does go on.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Group work

Why does group work go so well some days and so wrong others? One of the final projects for grad school is writing a group paper on Obama's health care reform. One chick in my group seems to be clueless on what it means to support her thoughts with evidence... hello? I'm glad she knows everything she does but without support, it means nothing. Does this mean I will have to write her section? I'm so glad every other group paper throughout school has gone pretty smoothly and received a good grade. I mean, this paper is worth 30% of my freaking grade, it matters to me! I'm almost done, can't it be easy for once? Baaaaa!
Feeling the stress of final projects, just gotta get through a few more weeks and it's over. Oh, and in case you aren't on Facebook, or didn't see my update, I passed my comp exam! Sweet mother, that was pure relief and elation when I read "Congrats!" I screamed like a little girl, it was great. Then, back to reality... group papers and all. Ugh.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Which one will it be?

So, Jocelyn and I took the time last night to review our sperm choices from the bank website. We picked our top 3 donors that will (hopefully) impregnate me and give us a little babe to toss around. I have many different emotions and feelings attached to this process and a little uncertainty in my fertility. I keep looking at our life and saying, "it's all going to change so much". Yesterday, as an April fools joke, a friend emailed everyone and said that her and her partner had decided to get pregnant and Saturday was their first attempt. My initial feelings were those of jealousy that they might get pregnant before us and irritation that they did not talk to us about it since we've been very open about our journey with them. Then, I was excited that we might be pregnant at the same time and share in baby stories and adventures together with our children. Then the email "APRIL FOOLS!" came and I could only laugh at myself that I had fallen for it without a second thought. Then the disappointment came knowing that if and when we are pregnant, our relationships with our friends might change because of our child (eventually children). I look back at the friends I have who have children and see them altered. I see their focus change and their freedom (for lack of a better word right now) different from Joc and I. Right now, our biggest commitment is Cooper, whom we can board at the kennel or leave home for the afternoon... if we do that with a little one, CPS might be knocking at our door. (c: (BTW- we have no plans on doing this, just to keep things clear) I'm not worried about our abilities to be moms, I'm not concerned we won't be able to handle it (although I might need to remind Joc a few times that she's no longer allowed to whine so much). I'm not even sure I'm worried, just anxious to see what life has for us. I've been saying for a while that my 30s are going to be good, and I think it will be related to building our family and having a great time doing it. Some days I think that we shouldn't wait, that there will always be one more excuse to hold off another month and we should just bite the bullet. Then I think, this will be our last couple months of selfishness and that the next 18-30 years (oh gosh!) will be focused on someone else's needs.
And so my last month of grad school continues, I sent out two applications for faculty positions, and we are planning a family. 2010 is shaping up to be a good year!