Friday, April 2, 2010

Which one will it be?

So, Jocelyn and I took the time last night to review our sperm choices from the bank website. We picked our top 3 donors that will (hopefully) impregnate me and give us a little babe to toss around. I have many different emotions and feelings attached to this process and a little uncertainty in my fertility. I keep looking at our life and saying, "it's all going to change so much". Yesterday, as an April fools joke, a friend emailed everyone and said that her and her partner had decided to get pregnant and Saturday was their first attempt. My initial feelings were those of jealousy that they might get pregnant before us and irritation that they did not talk to us about it since we've been very open about our journey with them. Then, I was excited that we might be pregnant at the same time and share in baby stories and adventures together with our children. Then the email "APRIL FOOLS!" came and I could only laugh at myself that I had fallen for it without a second thought. Then the disappointment came knowing that if and when we are pregnant, our relationships with our friends might change because of our child (eventually children). I look back at the friends I have who have children and see them altered. I see their focus change and their freedom (for lack of a better word right now) different from Joc and I. Right now, our biggest commitment is Cooper, whom we can board at the kennel or leave home for the afternoon... if we do that with a little one, CPS might be knocking at our door. (c: (BTW- we have no plans on doing this, just to keep things clear) I'm not worried about our abilities to be moms, I'm not concerned we won't be able to handle it (although I might need to remind Joc a few times that she's no longer allowed to whine so much). I'm not even sure I'm worried, just anxious to see what life has for us. I've been saying for a while that my 30s are going to be good, and I think it will be related to building our family and having a great time doing it. Some days I think that we shouldn't wait, that there will always be one more excuse to hold off another month and we should just bite the bullet. Then I think, this will be our last couple months of selfishness and that the next 18-30 years (oh gosh!) will be focused on someone else's needs.
And so my last month of grad school continues, I sent out two applications for faculty positions, and we are planning a family. 2010 is shaping up to be a good year!


Amy Starkey said...

i have to say that your fears/concerns/anxieties about life changing with children are totally normal! i felt them all when we found out we were pregnant. i'd think you weren't normal if you thought things were going to stay the same. i do know that having a child is the best decision i've ever made. though there are moments i wish i could just go back to the days of no responsibility, they are few and far between and when i come home to a smiling little girl who's grinning from ear to ear and saying "momma", it is all worth it and i'd never change a thing! good luck with it all. i'm so excited and happy for you. you'll be great parents and things will work out the way they are supposed to! love and miss you lots!!!!

Jen said...

Oh yeah!!! I am so excited for you! :) And honestly, everyone goes (or should go) through those anxieties/fears/concerns/etc when they are planning to have children or finding out that they are having children. Realizing that your life is going to and has to change is part of what will make you wonderful parents! You realize that your time is no longer your own and that you suddenly have this little being to love and care for. It's quite a responsibility - but there's nothing better than that little angel face smiling up at you every morning! :) GOOD LUCK to you both! I can't wait for the good news!

TB said...

I think you will be a WONDERFUL Mom Jenn and even though I do not know Joc, I know you are great and would only be with someone great as well :) I agree with Jen and Amy :) Pre-baby jitters are totally normal! Our time is no longer our time but now is "us" time--for the four of us and I would not have it any other way. When you do have your baby, make sure you still get lots of date nights with Joc :) It is important to stay connected with the love of your life!