So, Jocelyn and I took the time last night to review our sperm choices from the bank website. We picked our top 3 donors that will (hopefully) impregnate me and give us a little babe to toss around. I have many different emotions and feelings attached to this process and a little uncertainty in my fertility. I keep looking at our life and saying, "it's all going to change so much". Yesterday, as an April fools joke, a friend emailed everyone and said that her and her partner had decided to get pregnant and Saturday was their first attempt. My initial feelings were those of jealousy that they might get pregnant before us and irritation that they did not talk to us about it since we've been very open about our journey with them. Then, I was excited that we might be pregnant at the same time and share in baby stories and adventures together with our children. Then the email "APRIL FOOLS!" came and I could only laugh at myself that I had fallen for it without a second thought. Then the disappointment came knowing that if and when we are pregnant, our relationships with our friends might change because of our child (eventually children). I look back at the friends I have who have children and see them altered. I see their focus change and their freedom (for lack of a better word right now) different from Joc and I. Right now, our biggest commitment is Cooper, whom we can board at the kennel or leave home for the afternoon... if we do that with a little one, CPS might be knocking at our door. (c: (BTW- we have no plans on doing this, just to keep things clear) I'm not worried about our abilities to be moms, I'm not concerned we won't be able to handle it (although I might need to remind Joc a few times that she's no longer allowed to whine so much). I'm not even sure I'm worried, just anxious to see what life has for us. I've been saying for a while that my 30s are going to be good, and I think it will be related to building our family and having a great time doing it. Some days I think that we shouldn't wait, that there will always be one more excuse to hold off another month and we should just bite the bullet. Then I think, this will be our last couple months of selfishness and that the next 18-30 years (oh gosh!) will be focused on someone else's needs.
And so my last month of grad school continues, I sent out two applications for faculty positions, and we are planning a family. 2010 is shaping up to be a good year!