Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Please stop asking me...

I think it's the hormones, really I do.  I'm not usually this irritable and pissy... at least I hope I'm not going to be forever.

Most people mean well, I know they do, and I laugh it off because that's more what my personality is like.  But why do people feel they need to give their 25 cents?  Have I been like that in the past?  It makes me wonder what I've said to people...

Here's my list of Things to not say to a 37+ week pregnant woman: (and my responses or internal thoughts to their comments)
1. still no baby? (yup, I had it just didn't tell anyone)
2. you must be miserable (well, I'm not horribly miserable but I'm done with this abdomen and not seeing anything below my gut)
3. still here? (yes, yes I am.  Can you stop asking me this now?  If you see me, you can pretty much assume that 1. i'm still pregnant 2. i haven't had the baby and 3.  i'm not in the mood to answer your well-meaning questions.)
4. you haven't dropped, with your first, you have a good 2 weeks after you've dropped. (This said to me on my due date... I was so ready to jump across the table at the woman.  hormones, right?)
5. are your feet swollen?  (no, they usually look like this)
6. aren't you cute? (i'm not a cute person, never have been, never will be.  It's life, and I'm 30 years old so I think I'd know if I were cute.  It's the same way I feel when people call old people "cute".  I do not wish to be called cute as an adult nor as an old woman with wrinkles and a sense of humor.)
7. when's your due date?  (fill in my date here) So are you having a C-section? (not that I'm planning on).  So how do you know that's the date? (ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???!!!)
8. you should eat something spicy, i ate some jalepeno's with my first and went into labor right after that. (Right, I'll take that into consideration... the heartburn is not worth it!)
9.  Sex, you should have sex.  (right, because sperm is what is the most helpful part of sex and since we paid some decent dollar amounts for the sperm that met my egg in my fallopian tube, I'm just gonna wait it out here... and no, I'm not taking volunteers for sperm donation!!)
10. Do you want to know what made me go into labor?  (no, I don't because I'm a nurse and I read research crap and I know that there is absolutely no scientific evidence to support any of those old wives tales about what causes people to go into labor.  What I need is prostaglandin and uterine contractions... which the baby has to secrete in order to start dilating this damn cervix.)
11.  Do you know what you're having?  (nope)  You don't want to know? (Well, yeah we do but we also wanted to keep it a surprise) So are you gonna find out?  (hopefully in the next few FUCKING weeks you idiot!)
12.  You should go for a long walk. (yup, been walking this whole pregnancy..)
13.  When's your due date?  (may 26th) I sit back and watch as pure confusion crosses this person's face.  So, what does that make you?  (stupid for standing here, talking to you still) (this one also drives me mad when people I work with or people I speak to frequently, have asked me this multiple times through the pregnancy.  I know it's not their job to remember nor do they really care what the date is... then stop asking me.  AND when I tell them, end of May, then they say, well what day?  I've taken to saying, you won't remember anyway so I'm not telling you again.  It's mean, I know... but what can I say?!)

I'm laughing here as I write all these, because I know people mean well but I think it comes back to my comedian friend, Bill Engvall, who says, "stupid people should have to wear signs that say 'i'm stupid'.  That way you won't ask them for anything.  You'd be like, 'excuse me, oops, never mind, i didn't see your sign'".  I mean, do they hear the words as they come outta their mouths?  Again, it comes down to my hormones, my emotions and the overall feeling of "This is a big prank.  I'm not really pregnant and there's never going to be baby that comes outta here."  So, I usually smile and answer their questions without making them feel badly, although I'm getting worse at this as the pregnancy progresses.  And really, I'm just bitchy.  I can blame it on the baby, hell, he or she is hanging out in my uterus overstaying their welcome so I think I'm entitled to feeling a little irrational at times.  

Please, don't feel badly if you've said or asked any of the things above... really, it's me, not you.  (c:

***Actually, this has been a helpful decompression... hopefully you chuckled as you read this and didn't take it personally.***  

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Identity Theft

My sister called me at the end of April, reporting a collections notice in my name at her address in Columbus OH.  She called to inquire with the company and found that someone had opened an account in my name, with my social security number and date of birth, then hadn't paid a bill of $160.  I mean, if you were going to do some damage, wouldn't you choose something a little bigger?  Well, in filing reports and complaints and paperwork and calls, I've thoroughly reviewed all 3 of my credit reports (because there are 3 agencies.. the things I'm learning!) and found 2 additional breaches in my identity.  For the love of mike! That measly $160 is now a measly $2,271 for a US Cellular account and another measly $254 for, get this, an Ice Mountain Spring Water account.  If this weren't so irritating, it'd be funny. Today, as I called the Federal Trade Commission to update my identity theft affidavit, the nice lady on the phone casually says, "in reviewing the thefts, it appears that the person may have attempted to open a small business in your name and SSN". WHAT?!!  Is that freakin' possible?!  After chatting it up with the IRS, there have been no new businesses opened under my name, so thank goodness for that!

I've been to the GRPD twice, have to go again tonight to get an officer's signature for the first of possibly three fraud packets I have to complete and mail in to prove that I did not in fact, live in Chicago in 2010 but in Grand Rapids MI.

What a pain.  All for a cell phone account, a U-verse account and some water.  What's wrong with these people?  Why can't they get a job, use their own shit and leave mine alone?

I haven't been stressed about it all, it's just tedious and my butt hurts from the hours, literally, sitting in front of my computer and on the phone.  I have pages of records of who I spoke to, for which company and when and what they said.  There have been tears when US Cellular wouldn't release information about this alleged account and the collection agency wouldn't either... I mean, it's my freakin' SSN, and I ain't paying just to pay!  The good news is once I complete the police report and the paperwork, I can have the collections off my credit report and I won't owe any money... but there's always that looming chance they'll use it again.

Moral of the story:  check your credit reports occasionally.  Mine have 3 addresses in Chicago where I've never lived... see who is doing credit inquiries and call them to see why if you haven't authorized it.  If Michelle hadn't gotten that notice, I wouldn't know anything about it and who knows when I would have... maybe when I apply for a new credit card or loan... it's good to be in the know.

Friday, May 6, 2011

The Extended Profile

I'm donating the baby's cord blood after delivery, so anyone who may need access can have it.  (You can pay to store in "just in case" but lord knows if we'll need it and frankly, it's too darn expensive.)  In the process of signing the consent and writing out my past medical history, the blood bank asked that I get an extended profile of the donor so they could have a more thorough medical background.  Joc called the sperm bank that the baby daddy is from and she said the person on the phone was so excited that we were pregnant, she didn't make us pay the $20 it costs for the profile.  She emailed it to us and told us we have "priority" over V413's sperm in the future, even if it's not listed online in the list... for more kids.
The profile was 12 pages long, it's waay more detailed than the quick image they give you in the online list.   It was like getting to know the guy, he says he's attractive and has a good sense of humor.  It was fun to read through the pages of information and imagine what the baby will look like when he or she comes out of this womb.
Speaking of getting out... I'm full term now.  37 weeks, can you believe it?  The doctor checked my cervix on Wednesday (she was doing a strep B test so since I had my pants off anyway I asked her to check me), and she said the baby is still pretty high in my addomen and the cervix is only a tiny bit soft.  So, as I thought, this kid probably isn't coming early.  But, that's ok.  I also read though, that a person could get checked in the morning and not have any signs of labor and could still deliver that day or some people walk around dilated to 3 cms for days.  I haven't had any contractions, no mucous plug loosing, no water breaking, just feeling round.  I'm getting so many boy guesses these days, when previously people were guessing girl more than boy.  And I've been told by many people that "pregnancy suites me"... I'm not going to agree with them because I'm ready to have this body back, but would they tell me I'm fat and miserable?!  That'd just be mean. (c:
I'm on the countdown... but trying to not count too loudly as this 3 weeks could easily go through 5 weeks... just praying that everything happens as it's supposed to and the baby comes out healthy and happy.  And that breastfeeding isn't too miserable and that pushing this baby out of my vagina isn't too horrible and... ok, i'll stop voicing all my fears. (c: