Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Please stop asking me...

I think it's the hormones, really I do.  I'm not usually this irritable and pissy... at least I hope I'm not going to be forever.

Most people mean well, I know they do, and I laugh it off because that's more what my personality is like.  But why do people feel they need to give their 25 cents?  Have I been like that in the past?  It makes me wonder what I've said to people...

Here's my list of Things to not say to a 37+ week pregnant woman: (and my responses or internal thoughts to their comments)
1. still no baby? (yup, I had it just didn't tell anyone)
2. you must be miserable (well, I'm not horribly miserable but I'm done with this abdomen and not seeing anything below my gut)
3. still here? (yes, yes I am.  Can you stop asking me this now?  If you see me, you can pretty much assume that 1. i'm still pregnant 2. i haven't had the baby and 3.  i'm not in the mood to answer your well-meaning questions.)
4. you haven't dropped, with your first, you have a good 2 weeks after you've dropped. (This said to me on my due date... I was so ready to jump across the table at the woman.  hormones, right?)
5. are your feet swollen?  (no, they usually look like this)
6. aren't you cute? (i'm not a cute person, never have been, never will be.  It's life, and I'm 30 years old so I think I'd know if I were cute.  It's the same way I feel when people call old people "cute".  I do not wish to be called cute as an adult nor as an old woman with wrinkles and a sense of humor.)
7. when's your due date?  (fill in my date here) So are you having a C-section? (not that I'm planning on).  So how do you know that's the date? (ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???!!!)
8. you should eat something spicy, i ate some jalepeno's with my first and went into labor right after that. (Right, I'll take that into consideration... the heartburn is not worth it!)
9.  Sex, you should have sex.  (right, because sperm is what is the most helpful part of sex and since we paid some decent dollar amounts for the sperm that met my egg in my fallopian tube, I'm just gonna wait it out here... and no, I'm not taking volunteers for sperm donation!!)
10. Do you want to know what made me go into labor?  (no, I don't because I'm a nurse and I read research crap and I know that there is absolutely no scientific evidence to support any of those old wives tales about what causes people to go into labor.  What I need is prostaglandin and uterine contractions... which the baby has to secrete in order to start dilating this damn cervix.)
11.  Do you know what you're having?  (nope)  You don't want to know? (Well, yeah we do but we also wanted to keep it a surprise) So are you gonna find out?  (hopefully in the next few FUCKING weeks you idiot!)
12.  You should go for a long walk. (yup, been walking this whole pregnancy..)
13.  When's your due date?  (may 26th) I sit back and watch as pure confusion crosses this person's face.  So, what does that make you?  (stupid for standing here, talking to you still) (this one also drives me mad when people I work with or people I speak to frequently, have asked me this multiple times through the pregnancy.  I know it's not their job to remember nor do they really care what the date is... then stop asking me.  AND when I tell them, end of May, then they say, well what day?  I've taken to saying, you won't remember anyway so I'm not telling you again.  It's mean, I know... but what can I say?!)

I'm laughing here as I write all these, because I know people mean well but I think it comes back to my comedian friend, Bill Engvall, who says, "stupid people should have to wear signs that say 'i'm stupid'.  That way you won't ask them for anything.  You'd be like, 'excuse me, oops, never mind, i didn't see your sign'".  I mean, do they hear the words as they come outta their mouths?  Again, it comes down to my hormones, my emotions and the overall feeling of "This is a big prank.  I'm not really pregnant and there's never going to be baby that comes outta here."  So, I usually smile and answer their questions without making them feel badly, although I'm getting worse at this as the pregnancy progresses.  And really, I'm just bitchy.  I can blame it on the baby, hell, he or she is hanging out in my uterus overstaying their welcome so I think I'm entitled to feeling a little irrational at times.  

Please, don't feel badly if you've said or asked any of the things above... really, it's me, not you.  (c:

***Actually, this has been a helpful decompression... hopefully you chuckled as you read this and didn't take it personally.***  


TB said...

amen sista! any of us who have been prego have thought or said ALL of those things! i got the BEST chuckle of out of this! i sincerely hope your baby does not live in your uterus permenently :)

Jen said...

OMG! You crack me up!!! And I totally sympathize with you! For your sake, I hope he/she arrives REALLY soon! Then it will all be worth it... :) Love you girl! Hang in there and let the bitch fly!!! You don't get too many opportunities to blame bitchiness on something... :)

Jennifer said...

I laughed out loud with the "hopefully in the next few FUCKING weeks you idiot!" I can picture you saying that! Thanks for letting some of us live vicariously through you! :-)

TB said...

and now a beautiful baby boy! :)

Oli and Kelly said...

One of the many reasons I love you is this post.