Friday, February 14, 2014

My dad

I look at Ceci and see my dad, a lot.  She has the round face, the features that remind me of the man that used to be alive.  Her hair even has a big of a red hue that I recall my dad having.
It's that time of year, the time that brings me down.  Is it the weather?  The perpetual grayness?  Is it the knowledge that we lost Brian in January and Dad in March? Does that make my start of every year a little more grey and sad?  Is it my crazy life?  The wishes I have daily to be with my family more, instead I work because there are bills to pay and let's be honest, I would make a horrible stay at home mom.  Is it my discontent in my career?  
My dad.
I miss him.  I wish he'd gotten to meet these little people in our lives.  I wish I'd gotten to see him as a grandpa.  I wish I could hear him laugh one more time.  Wishes are wasted time though.  Instead I share Grandpa Roger with them.  It's simple and it's hard to remember it all, but it's all I can do to keep him alive to me.
I did some counting.  Brian died in 1994.  My dad in 1996.  That is a long time ago.  Where would we be?  If they had lived?  Who would we be?  Do you ever think about what might have become of you if you chose another route?  Had you gone to a different school, if you'd missed one train or one airplane?  If someone didn't die or didn't leave your life?  Do you ever think about that?

A lot of open ended thoughts here...