Friday, February 14, 2014

My dad

I look at Ceci and see my dad, a lot.  She has the round face, the features that remind me of the man that used to be alive.  Her hair even has a big of a red hue that I recall my dad having.
It's that time of year, the time that brings me down.  Is it the weather?  The perpetual grayness?  Is it the knowledge that we lost Brian in January and Dad in March? Does that make my start of every year a little more grey and sad?  Is it my crazy life?  The wishes I have daily to be with my family more, instead I work because there are bills to pay and let's be honest, I would make a horrible stay at home mom.  Is it my discontent in my career?  
My dad.
I miss him.  I wish he'd gotten to meet these little people in our lives.  I wish I'd gotten to see him as a grandpa.  I wish I could hear him laugh one more time.  Wishes are wasted time though.  Instead I share Grandpa Roger with them.  It's simple and it's hard to remember it all, but it's all I can do to keep him alive to me.
I did some counting.  Brian died in 1994.  My dad in 1996.  That is a long time ago.  Where would we be?  If they had lived?  Who would we be?  Do you ever think about what might have become of you if you chose another route?  Had you gone to a different school, if you'd missed one train or one airplane?  If someone didn't die or didn't leave your life?  Do you ever think about that?

A lot of open ended thoughts here...

4 comments:

Patrick Jude and Cecilia Marie said...

Jenn,
My heart breaks for you every year this time of year. I imagine what it would have been like to meet your dad and brother. I think about all the love your dad must have had for you and how he probably would have wanted nothing more than for his children to love and be loved. The first time you took me to the cemetery and we stood at your father's grave, I promised him I'd take care of you and love you. I'm not sure if he'd approve or like that you and I are married, but I feel like he's pleased with how much you are loved by me and our children.
I love you.
Jocelyn

Sasha Sashovna said...

I randomly chose your blog and what I've read touched me so much. Be strong! People do leave us, but think how much they had actually done for us before they left to return no more. They are always somewhere inside, supporting us and praying for our well-being. Your family needs you, your children! You don't have a right to give up and yeild to greif and sorrow. You'll manage to do everything - I believe in you!

Brandy Jiang said...

I love my dad!

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Brandy Jiang said...

Dont worry!God will protect him!

I like to play online game,such as RuneScape.I always buy the items online.So I am familiar with the safest and convenient way to buy RS Gold online.There are: http://www.rsgoldfast.com/