Friday, September 23, 2011

The wrong choices

Lately, I've been worrying. A lot.
I worry about Patrick, about the choices I make (we make) for him. I worry about myself and who I am becoming or have already become. I worry about life and if I can handle more children (I'd like 3). I worry about sleep and when I'll be able to get enough but then I worry when Patrick does sleep too long or too much. I worry about working full time and seeing my babe for 3 hours in the evening and for two days on the weekend. I worry he won't know me, although I know he does when I pick him up and he smiles so big. I worry he'll question Joc and my decision to conceive. I worry that I chose the wrong job change and I should have stuck to the bedside. I worry that I'll never be able to leave the job for fear of "sticking" my job on other people. I worry I'm not doing a good job at work. I worry I won't be able to maintain breastfeeding until Patrick is a year old. I worry that Joc and my marriage will erode from the energy it takes to raise a baby. I worry that I'll never get back to my fitness level I gave up with my pregnancy. I worry that I worry too damn much.
I was never a worrier before being a mom. I just rolled with life's ups and downs but not anymore. I'll still roll, I just worry while I roll.


Jen said...

It's all normal, Jenn. PJ is lucky to have you for a mom and the fact that you DO worry (and ADMIT that you worry) makes you a better mom. I would worry about you if you DIDN'T have worries! Just stick with it and it will get easier... :)

TB said...

1. i agree with jen that worrying is healthy--makes you a GREAT mom

2. of course your marriage will have its days that you feel like it is eroding--that happens with a baby but the important thing it so make sure you and joc carve out time for the TWO of you and reconnect often

3. don't ever worry about pj questioning your decision to have a baby--do children from other LOVING caring amazingly supportive homes question this? NO. you and joc are creating a beautiful place for pj to grow up. there are plenty of kids who question their lives and i am pretty sure they are from situations that are HORRID from poor parenting, lack of food, etc. NOT from having two of the same gender parents. will there be tough days where he asks questions, sure but that is normal for EVERY child :)

4. girl i get it--it get the anxiety, the mom guilt and the stress. you are normal but i know that does not make it any easier. your little guy is so lucky to have two moms to care for him and who love him enough to work hard to provide for him. plus working probably makes you both better parents as you appreciate him more when you pick him :) (aren't those happy to you see you mom smiles awesome!)

if you don't want any of the above "advice" or thoughts, please ignore :)