Dear Dad,
You've been dead for many years. Do you know? What's it like in heaven, away from all those you loved? What's it like to be ripped out of your life and asked to go to heaven? Were you scared when you laid down on the floor in the kitchen, did you know you were breathing your last breaths?
I miss you, it feels like more now than ever before. I think it's Patrick, he's here and he's so special to me and I reflect on you and us kids. I think how much love you must have had in your heart for all of us. I know now how much a heart can be filled with love for a child, my flesh and blood. I wonder what it would be like to lose Patrick as you lost your son.
I've seen you in Patrick lately, he has your round face, the eyes and maybe some red in his hair. I think of you almost every time I look at him, I think of how you would have enjoyed your grand kids. Grandpa Roger.
I wish I could talk to you once more, tell you all this and more. I wish you could see us all grown and living. Alive, all of us so alive.
It's been almost 16 years since you died. That feels like a lifetime. My throat still closes and tears stream down my cheeks when I recall memories. Some have faded. But I want you to know you are not forgotten and you are still loved by your girls.
I'll see you in heaven, someday. You're waiting, I know. It may be a long wait, I'm hoping you don't have a good sense of time there. Maybe you can check in with us occasionally and see what we're doing. Who knows, who really knows what is the afterlife.
These all feel like juvenile requests, things I longed for when you first died. Feelings that repeat for every major and minor life event. The grief is changed now, it's not raw, I don't look for you to walk into a room, don't visit the bakery and hope you're by the oven checking the bread. I know you're gone, that is very clear. I just wish I could know if you're around still.
I tell Patrick who you are, tell him stories of growing up making donuts and working in the bakery. I will tell him who you were and what you meant to me, that is a promise.
Love, your daughter.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Gay Marriage
I have to get this off my chest. No apologies. I know who loves and supports us.
I'm pretty irritated.... angry.... upset.... misrepresented.... I'm not sure the exact word I want to use here. Last night joc and I watched the local news on President Obama's coming out for gay marriage. I shut off the TV in frustration when it was over. What gives all these people, these idiots, these ignorant ass holes, the right to give their opinion on my relationship? Do I walk into their living rooms and talk about how I don't think ugly people should be able to get married? Do I comment on their relationships? I mean really, what gives anyone the right?
I think I'm pissed. That's really what I am. I'm sick of people's opinion related to my relationship. The only people who should share their opinion on my relationship are me and Jocelyn. That's it. No debate. No discussion. Us. Not you, definitely not a mid-aged politician who is out of touch with the younger generation.
I just can't see why this is tolerated by so many.
And this politician who says that the state of Michigan "spoke loud and clear in 2004" on the issue of marriage. Firstly, 2004, are you f-ing kidding me?! Does he realize it's 2012 now? Secondly, how about the fact that the ballot was, I believe (and I'm only working from memory here), something like 48% for gay marriage and 52% against... that's hardly "loud and clear" to me.... that sounds pretty closely divided.... and again, it's 2012 now, how about we put it back on the ballot and see how it does? And thirdly, the country is pretty much evenly split on this stupid issue. 50 50, I just read this in the GRPress.... No one is speaking "loud and clear".
Finally. I have been married to my wife since 2007. That's right, we have a license. Some of you were there. What, pray tell, has my marriage done to you in these 5 years? Have you been unable to sleep at night? Or been unable to file your taxes jointly? Or maybe you haven't been able to live your damn life... I'm so sorry.
Whether these idiots ever evolve is up to them. I think growing and changing based on your surroundings is part of adulthood. Actually, it might be more of a childhood thing. There is no excuse for ignorance, nor for hate.
I hope this entry helps me let this anger go. I pray that I can find hope in this situation. I do pray that this isn't an issue someday, that Patrick won't have to even think about why some people feel the need to share their opinion about his mom's relationship. I'm not sure what will happen.
Open your minds. See beyond your fear of this thing you find so foreign but feels so normal to us... Look outside your comfort and open your heart....
That's all I have.
I'm pretty irritated.... angry.... upset.... misrepresented.... I'm not sure the exact word I want to use here. Last night joc and I watched the local news on President Obama's coming out for gay marriage. I shut off the TV in frustration when it was over. What gives all these people, these idiots, these ignorant ass holes, the right to give their opinion on my relationship? Do I walk into their living rooms and talk about how I don't think ugly people should be able to get married? Do I comment on their relationships? I mean really, what gives anyone the right?
I think I'm pissed. That's really what I am. I'm sick of people's opinion related to my relationship. The only people who should share their opinion on my relationship are me and Jocelyn. That's it. No debate. No discussion. Us. Not you, definitely not a mid-aged politician who is out of touch with the younger generation.
I just can't see why this is tolerated by so many.
And this politician who says that the state of Michigan "spoke loud and clear in 2004" on the issue of marriage. Firstly, 2004, are you f-ing kidding me?! Does he realize it's 2012 now? Secondly, how about the fact that the ballot was, I believe (and I'm only working from memory here), something like 48% for gay marriage and 52% against... that's hardly "loud and clear" to me.... that sounds pretty closely divided.... and again, it's 2012 now, how about we put it back on the ballot and see how it does? And thirdly, the country is pretty much evenly split on this stupid issue. 50 50, I just read this in the GRPress.... No one is speaking "loud and clear".
Finally. I have been married to my wife since 2007. That's right, we have a license. Some of you were there. What, pray tell, has my marriage done to you in these 5 years? Have you been unable to sleep at night? Or been unable to file your taxes jointly? Or maybe you haven't been able to live your damn life... I'm so sorry.
Whether these idiots ever evolve is up to them. I think growing and changing based on your surroundings is part of adulthood. Actually, it might be more of a childhood thing. There is no excuse for ignorance, nor for hate.
I hope this entry helps me let this anger go. I pray that I can find hope in this situation. I do pray that this isn't an issue someday, that Patrick won't have to even think about why some people feel the need to share their opinion about his mom's relationship. I'm not sure what will happen.
Open your minds. See beyond your fear of this thing you find so foreign but feels so normal to us... Look outside your comfort and open your heart....
That's all I have.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
How does she do it?
I'm having some difficulties and wondering if the moms out there can offer me some words of wisdom.
Patrick is 10 1/2 months old, eating full on table food for the past month or so. With this comes difficulties. Number one being the time he's hungry in the evening. I generally get him home from daycare by 5:00 but he's hungry by 5:15 or 5:30. I rarely am able to get a good dinner cooked in that time, so he eats leftovers or I've been cooking sweet potatoes for him. Then while he eats, I cook or at least start the meal that Joc and I will eat. Then when he's done he's ready for his bedtime routine (seriously). Joc gets home between 5:45 and 6:30. Patrick's in bed and asleep by 7 every night. Then Joc and I sit down to eat, or if I did manage to get a meal cooked and ate with Patrick, Joc eats alone.
I see many issues in my situation: Patrick is getting used to eating by himself, so if I do sit down with him to eat he gets a little fussy that I'm not constantly helping him eat. (this i think I solve by being consistent in eating with him) Thoughts on that? Also. We aren't eating as a family. I'm not sure we can wait for Joc every night because she doesn't get out consistently and Patrick is a mess if we were to wait.
I'm not really interested in pushing bedtime back, he almost always lays down and falls right to sleep. And we get him up by 7am so he needs those 12 hours (plus his naps are not always great at daycare so he's usually very ready for bed).
He's also become a bit funny with food. He does this thing where he clenches his fists, bears down and moans/grunts and gets all read in the face. I'm not sure what he means by it.... I'm trying to sign language thing but dang it, he's not participating yet and he refuses to tell me what his deal is... (c: He also likes to take a bit, chew for a moment and spit the food out. Yet an hour later he's fussy and wants a snack. He likes fruit and apple sauce... but I need him to like other food! I try to give him fruit for dessert, and only if he's eaten at least half his meal... so he's not just filling up on the sweet stuff. Is this a phase? Do I take him out of the highchair when he's playing and throwing his food to tell him it's not play time when he's in there? Or let him play with the food? Do I try different food in the same meal (if he's not liking what I made for him) to make sure he gets enough to eat? When does the "this is what's for dinner, if you don't eat it then that's your choice" start? I know it's too early now... but he knows what's happening... he knows if he whines and squeals enough he'll get attention... Am I creating a monster???!!! I don't want to get in the habit of cooking one meal for me and Joc and something different for the boy.
Also, how often should I be giving him snacks? I'm trying to start weaning him from the boob... so I'm trying some snacks between meals, replacing the boob... but sometimes I worry I'm giving him too many snacks and that's why he's not eating well at dinner.
What snacks do you give the kids? (I've got yogury puffs, gerber veggies bit thingies, I cut up cheese, goldfish crackers are a new thing... )
Ba!
Working 4-5 days a week is challenging with a baby...
Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks.
Patrick is 10 1/2 months old, eating full on table food for the past month or so. With this comes difficulties. Number one being the time he's hungry in the evening. I generally get him home from daycare by 5:00 but he's hungry by 5:15 or 5:30. I rarely am able to get a good dinner cooked in that time, so he eats leftovers or I've been cooking sweet potatoes for him. Then while he eats, I cook or at least start the meal that Joc and I will eat. Then when he's done he's ready for his bedtime routine (seriously). Joc gets home between 5:45 and 6:30. Patrick's in bed and asleep by 7 every night. Then Joc and I sit down to eat, or if I did manage to get a meal cooked and ate with Patrick, Joc eats alone.
I see many issues in my situation: Patrick is getting used to eating by himself, so if I do sit down with him to eat he gets a little fussy that I'm not constantly helping him eat. (this i think I solve by being consistent in eating with him) Thoughts on that? Also. We aren't eating as a family. I'm not sure we can wait for Joc every night because she doesn't get out consistently and Patrick is a mess if we were to wait.
I'm not really interested in pushing bedtime back, he almost always lays down and falls right to sleep. And we get him up by 7am so he needs those 12 hours (plus his naps are not always great at daycare so he's usually very ready for bed).
He's also become a bit funny with food. He does this thing where he clenches his fists, bears down and moans/grunts and gets all read in the face. I'm not sure what he means by it.... I'm trying to sign language thing but dang it, he's not participating yet and he refuses to tell me what his deal is... (c: He also likes to take a bit, chew for a moment and spit the food out. Yet an hour later he's fussy and wants a snack. He likes fruit and apple sauce... but I need him to like other food! I try to give him fruit for dessert, and only if he's eaten at least half his meal... so he's not just filling up on the sweet stuff. Is this a phase? Do I take him out of the highchair when he's playing and throwing his food to tell him it's not play time when he's in there? Or let him play with the food? Do I try different food in the same meal (if he's not liking what I made for him) to make sure he gets enough to eat? When does the "this is what's for dinner, if you don't eat it then that's your choice" start? I know it's too early now... but he knows what's happening... he knows if he whines and squeals enough he'll get attention... Am I creating a monster???!!! I don't want to get in the habit of cooking one meal for me and Joc and something different for the boy.
Also, how often should I be giving him snacks? I'm trying to start weaning him from the boob... so I'm trying some snacks between meals, replacing the boob... but sometimes I worry I'm giving him too many snacks and that's why he's not eating well at dinner.
What snacks do you give the kids? (I've got yogury puffs, gerber veggies bit thingies, I cut up cheese, goldfish crackers are a new thing... )
Ba!
Working 4-5 days a week is challenging with a baby...
Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks.
Monday, April 16, 2012
Over
I received word today from UDM that I won't be moving forward in the interview process due to the fact that I am not, nor do I have immediate plans to acheive my PhD or DNP in nursing. (Both considered "terminal" degrees in nursing.) I was disappointed, but honestly expecting it. I did interview 2 weeks ago now, did not feel great afterward and was asked twice if I planned on pursuing my doctorate, to which I was very honest (as I was advised to be) about not planning on going down that road in the next 3 years. So. There it is. It's okay though. I'm okay with it.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Progress
Up early on my day off. Patrick has been waking up at 5 or 530 or 6 the last couple weeks and I struggle with my decision to get up and feed him. This morning I couldn't fall back to sleep. Patrick does though as opposed to if I let him cry it out, he'd cry until 7 when he gets up for daycare. So I prefer to let him get another hour of sleep. But I am not doing him any favors. Ba, it's frustrating for me. What will make him go back to sleeping through the night? I just don't know.
I am in the process of interviewing for the UDM job, it's multiple steps with multiple people. I had a phone interview with a group of Detroit and grand rapids professors, and one interview with the dean of the GR campus but she's in Detroit as well. The search committee is reviewing my stuff and making a decision on my next steps... Then I believe the next step is a 10 minute presentation to the GR professors on campus then a trip to Detroit to interview in person with some people then I meet with the chair of the gr campus about what I would teach. I'm not convinced I'll get the job. I didn't have the greatest interview as they asked me a lot of mission and vision questions that I felt prepared for but as they were coming out of my mouth I felt they were disjointed and not thorough. Ba. I can only hope they consider giving me a shot. I'm still however, torn by my current job and what I would do. The couple profs I've talked to said there is quite a bit of flexibility with a professor but I cannot have 2 full time jobs. And my first year of teaching would be heavy with lecture preparation and test creation. I love love love doing simulation but it's not the main part of my role, even though I wish it were. So even if I went part time I would most likely have to give it up... I might however, try to talk UDM into working simulation into their curriculum and sharing the sim lab. But that might be a long term plan. I also miss my bedside nursing role. Lots of decisions to consider. But ultimately I suppose I need to wait and see if I get this UDM job before planning my next steps. Hoping to be through the process by may...or at least that's what I was told. 9 month contract would start in August...
I am in the process of interviewing for the UDM job, it's multiple steps with multiple people. I had a phone interview with a group of Detroit and grand rapids professors, and one interview with the dean of the GR campus but she's in Detroit as well. The search committee is reviewing my stuff and making a decision on my next steps... Then I believe the next step is a 10 minute presentation to the GR professors on campus then a trip to Detroit to interview in person with some people then I meet with the chair of the gr campus about what I would teach. I'm not convinced I'll get the job. I didn't have the greatest interview as they asked me a lot of mission and vision questions that I felt prepared for but as they were coming out of my mouth I felt they were disjointed and not thorough. Ba. I can only hope they consider giving me a shot. I'm still however, torn by my current job and what I would do. The couple profs I've talked to said there is quite a bit of flexibility with a professor but I cannot have 2 full time jobs. And my first year of teaching would be heavy with lecture preparation and test creation. I love love love doing simulation but it's not the main part of my role, even though I wish it were. So even if I went part time I would most likely have to give it up... I might however, try to talk UDM into working simulation into their curriculum and sharing the sim lab. But that might be a long term plan. I also miss my bedside nursing role. Lots of decisions to consider. But ultimately I suppose I need to wait and see if I get this UDM job before planning my next steps. Hoping to be through the process by may...or at least that's what I was told. 9 month contract would start in August...
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