Deep thoughts

It's Sunday night, I have no real reason to post anything but feel it's been awhile since my last posting. I find it ironic that it is cold, wet and snowy tonight as it was when I last posted... funny how life works, but there have been sunny days between these snowy ones and time seems to have passed as it always does.
I thought I'd have a sentimental, somewhat sad, thoughtful post today, for no reason other than it's how I feel right now. When I was in high school I used to write a lot, and when I say a lot, I mean it. I have journals that I filled with my teenage angst, frustrations, depression, anger, fear, and sadness. There was a lot of sadness back then, life wasn't exactly easy but I still found little joys threaded into my existence. It's a little crazy to me now, to look back and read some of my journal entries. I was in a dark place for many of them, a place I haven't been for a very long time, which I'm grateful for but there are odd times throughout my days that I miss the darkness. There was a familiarity about it, a warm inside it that became a safe place. It's hard to explain, and I'm not saying I'd go back but there are times that I think, "I used to be complicated, I'm not complicated anymore". It was exhausting then, as life is not anymore. Life is easier, less heavy. Remember, I told you this was going to be a thoughtful posting, stick with me or bail now... whatever you choose, I'm okay with it. (c:
I had the opportunity to revisit a CD that I used to be drawn to and in finding this CD I encountered others from my past. CDs that defined my emotional well being at the time that I listened to them, CDs I haven't listened to in years, they've grown dusty and forgotten. As I listened to this CD, Little Earthquakes by Tori Amos, I was taken back. I remembered knowing every single lyric back then and now, struggled to remember the chorus to some of the songs. Forgotten pathways from youth, cobwebs strewn about, re-tracing the words.
Life is funny that way, it carries on. If there's one thing you learn from death is that life is continuous. No matter who it is, or how monumental the loss, life just keeps on. Some days that is the hardest part of loss.
The beginning of every year is difficult for me, this year marks the 15th year my brother has been dead, and the 13th year my dad has been gone. My brother, Brian, was 15 when he died. It wasn't until the anniversary that I realized this, that he has been dead the exact amount of years he lived. What does this mean, really? To me, it's frightening, I've already "outlived" him but now, life has evolved to a point that for every year that passes means he's been dead longer than he lived. This is extremely sad to me, and difficult to process. I think about it often, I try to remember him better this year than the last 14, but as I said before, life goes on.
A patient died recently that maybe shouldn't have died, this is always difficult for me. There were many factors contributing to her death but my interactions could have affected the outcome. It's hard not to relive every minute leading up to her demise but I have, repeatedly. I've begun to let it go, I'm working through it, dealing with it and moving on, hoping that the next patient I encounter with the same signs and symptoms I can take that experience and learn from it. I suppose I just wish it had not been at the cost of her life. Again, life moves on.
So I'll end this posting, let it soak in and let time pass and see what's up for my life next.
Until next time...

Is it really snowing???!!!

Seriously, now?! It's just too damn depressing is what I say! I'm sick of cold, wet and windy winter! It's time to be done and it's time to be warm and sunny again, just for a little while.
I walked out of work the other morning and it was raining and cold, I groaned appropriately and a co-worker said, "at least it's not snow!" and I said, "I'm just ready to gripe about how hot it is..." Cuz I will, summer will come and it'll be hot and sunny and I'll have sweat dripping down my back and under my boobs and I'll be complaining and wishing it was just a few degrees cooler. I mean, seriously, I'm never content I know this. Sigh. Life is hard (c:
Nothing going on around these parts, except the weather, new unit is going ok. Lots of growing pains, kinks to work through and lessons to learn.
So long for now!

Mass exodus

The move is complete, we occupy a new unit and last night I walked through the old unit and it was eerie. As I talked to a fellow employee they compared what remains as a "mass exodus", nurse assignments remain on the marker boards, there are drink cups left behind, drawers are opened (from cleaning out) and it truly did appear that there was a disaster, that everyone and everything that could be grabbed and taken were and everyone ran. The silence is awkward and I looked in every room just making sure no one got left behind. Eerie.
On another dark note, today is the one year anniversary of the death of a co-worker, most of you who still read my blog did not know her. It was one of the hardest shifts of my career, probably will always be one of the hardest. I don't write this for pity or condolences, I did not know her as well as I would have liked, but to arrive at her bedside when her heart stopped and to have the realization that she was not going to survive was a very hard place to be. I have seen many deaths, participated in many codes in my short career, but this code will always occupy my mind and heart. It took me a long time to get passed the day, and I look back today with remembrance of the shift. I remember her today...

New Fridge Day!

We get our new refrigerator today! I'm very excited, let me tell you. Last night I cleaned all the magnets off the old one and it looks so empty and clean! I keep wanting to put the magnets back on because it looks lonely, sniff sniff. I can't wait for the new one, although I am a bit concerned that it won't fit through our doors.... I measured the back door and it's 27 1/2'' wide, the new fridge is 31'' wide. Hmmmmmm.... guess that's why I'm paying someone else to deliver it and haul away this piece. I figure they can always take off the fridge doors to buy a couple inches, right? Here's hoping.
Not much else happening these days, Joc bought a new car (I should say we since I'll be paying the bill too but she drives it.) A Ford Escape (say it like Dory does in Finding Nemo, it's funner) and traded in her lemon of a car. It's nice and fun to tool around in. The color is copper technically but I think of some pukey red when I hear copper so we call it burnt orange, that better qualifies it. I'm a little jealous of the new car thing but my car is perfectly fine so I won't be trading it in any time soon. Bummer.
You know, I wrote a bit ago about being excited for my new class and now that I'm in week 3, yeah, not so excited anymore! Jeez. The honeymoon phase is over, now I have to do some serious reading. Wish me luck, off I go.

Christmas 08... or MLK jr day...

Well, the Gable girls (plus David) finally managed to find a weekend to get together to celebrate our Christmas exchange. It was also conveniently, MLK jr. weekend... so that worked for our celebration too. Nothing overly celebratory but it was nice to be all together again.
We did go check out a group of women singers called Earthworks women and it was actually pleasantly surprising. I enjoyed it very much, some exceptional singers, who needs American Idol?
I attached some pics that I snapped, hope you enjoy! You can also check me out on Facebook for other pics (i'm relatively new on there so look me up!)
Stay warm out there!
Happy Inauguration Day!!